Just A Girlie Waxing Poetic About Taylor Swift
My Swiftie origin story, plus deep thoughts on the Eras tour ending
The first part of this essay is from the vault, aka I wrote it over a year ago and hid it away in a Google doc. I’m so happy it’s now seeing the light of day here on Substack! I hope you enjoy, and as always, thank you for being here and subscribing. And a special thanks to paid subscribers—your support truly means the world! xx
I have a confession to make.
The first Taylor Swift album I ever loved wasn’t her debut album, or even Fearless. It was Speak Now.
Of course I knew the hits, like Teardrops on My Guitar and Fifteen, but I wasn’t a country girlie. I was in college and swimming in musical theater training when her first two albums were released. I pretty much only listened to songs from shows I loved, wanted to be in, or wanted to sing back then. I often say that 2005 to 2009 were the best and worst years of my life, since I was doing what I loved everyday at a conservatory, but was simultaneously riddled with stress, anxiety, and a constant feeling of not being good enough, talented enough, skinny enough, pretty enough… etc. etc. etc.
I graduated from college, and my plans of booking an agent and moving to New York fell flat. My college put together a showcase at the end of senior year for managers and agents looking to sign new clients and it was a really big deal. I knew I didn’t want to move to New York without landing representation. I’ll never forget when it was my turn to sing—I stared out into the audience and saw dozens of pictures of my face staring back at me—everyone was holding my headshot and reading my resume simultaneously.
Long story short, I didn’t book an agent after my musical theater showcase. I was devastated, but it gave me permission to come face-to-face with the fact that, deep down, I hated New York and didn’t want to be there in the first place. I moved back home to DC with my tail between my legs, but with a few jobs lined up, which was a welcome relief.
I booked a show in DC that would have a dual-city run, and it would be my first show out of town. I was so excited, and simultaneously a little nervous, but it was the most fun I had had on stage in a long time. I finally felt good about myself, and I had a new-found confidence as I bopped around this little city in North Carolina, performing in a musical I loved, hanging out with new friends, and I even started writing my own music at one point. And it was where I fell in love with Taylor Swift.
The one album I listened to in the car as I drove down from DC, drove back and forth to the theater everyday, as I sat in the drive-thru line at Cookout for post-show milkshakes was Speak Now. I was in North Carolina in November, and the one time I switched to something else was when the radio started playing Christmas music around Thanksgiving—but even then, I only listened for a day, and back to Taylor I went. I had always thought that my voice was suited to just theater music, but all the songs on this album fit in the pocket of my voice and served as my vocal warm-up before the show everyday. It just felt good to sing, and man, did I sing.
Listening to the album now instantly brings me back to those North Carolina drives, and that sweet time in my life when I had emerged from a cloud of self-doubt and was finally feeling good about myself. A time when I felt happy, confident and content. A time when I felt like the best version of myself. 💜
When I wrote this essay, I was feeling nostalgic (and even a little emotional) because Speak Now Taylor’s Version was recently announced. I was listening to the album as I wrote, tears streaming down my cheeks. Music is so powerful in that way, isn’t it? It may not be Taylor Swift for you, but there are certain songs or albums that can serve as time machines, whisking you back to that time in high school, or that break-up, or that relationship, or that November North Carolina drive. Even if music can’t actually bring us back to those precious moments in our life, it's a pretty great alternative, don’t you think?
I’m inspired to share this essay now because the Eras tour is coming to a close—and I’m feeling a little emotional again. My friend Sadie and I were lucky enough to go (We were at MetLife night 2 last May!) and it is a weekend I truly will never, ever forget. I won’t try to explain the impact Taylor obviously has on the entire world because I simply don’t need to—but the Eras tour especially has been on my mind. Not only did I see the Eras tour live, put together an outfit, make friendship bracelets and trade them—but I saw the filmed version in the theater twice (which was the most fun I’ve had at the movies maybe ever), and I’ve watched grainy live streams off and on for a year and a half. I’ve been a Swiftie for years, but the Eras tour encouraged me to lean in a little more, and honestly?
It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
I’ve learned that the older I get, fun is something I really have to work at. And it’s honestly not easy. Work, bills, self-care, cleaning the house, walking the dog (I don’t even have kids!) finding time for true, actual fun is hard. But being a Swiftie and turning on the live stream, guessing when Rep TV will be announced, watching the TTPD set for the first time, meeting someone whos been to the tour and immediately asking what their surprise songs were (mine were State of Grace and False God btw) is just.plain.fun. And I’m grateful for it. So grateful.
I can imagine that Taylor and her crew are ready for the tour to come to a close, but I’m sure it’s bittersweet. It’s been running for a long time, and we all know, the show itself is long. They all make it look so easy, especially Taylor. They’re all warriors—performing a 3 and a half hour show every weekend, and doing it for nearly two years. I’m in awe of all of it. What a run.
The last show is on December 8th, and I plan on watching one more grainy livestream, probably crying, marveling again at the scope of Taylor’s work, and reflecting on how far I’ve come since those North Carolina drives too. We’ve come a long way, kid. I’m proud of you. 🫶🏼